


The Diary of Regulus Black [+podfic]

by picascribit



Series: Severus Arc [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Brothers, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death Eaters, Diary/Journal, First War with Voldemort, Forced Orgasm, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders' Era, Multimedia, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Parent Death, Physical Abuse, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, Pureblood Culture, Rape, Regulus is uncertain about his sexual/romantic orientation, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Coercion, Snape is an abusive dick, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-31
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-23 19:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/930053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picascribit/pseuds/picascribit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1971-1979: All that Regulus Black ever wanted was to do the right thing and have someone be proud of him. His parents. His brother. His best friend. The man he loved. Twenty-seven entries from Regulus's diary, dating from his childhood to his death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1971

**Author's Note:**

> Companion fic to [_Consolation Prize_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/930580).
> 
> Original version written in 2005. Rewritten and expanded 2014.
> 
>  **Podfic**  
>  **Duration:** 29 min 17 sec  
>  **Size:** 26.7 MB  
>  **Download:** [mp3 @ Dropbox](https://www.dropbox.com/s/f0ns5o4mvda6b1z/The%20Diary%20of%20Regulus%20Black.zip)  
> 

 

**21 June 1971**  
_[On a page smudged with chocolate:]_ It is Sirius's birthday today. He is 11 now. He was cross becose he did not get a broom like he wanted to. Father says next year maybe. Sirius told me he will teach me to ride as soon as he gets one. Sirius is the best brother. He is always doing nice things and he always makes me ~~laff~~ ~~laph~~ happy. Wen Mother and Father get cross with me he always makes them crosser at him so I do not get punished as bad. I will miss him. He is going to Hogwarts soon. I got choclet on my diary.

 

* * *

**2 September 1971**  
Sirius got sorted in to Griffendore! His frend Peter did to. Mother and Father are so cross. They say it is a descrase. I do not no if they are more cross with Sirius or the head master of Hogwarts. Blacks are sposed to be Slitherens. Maybe sometimes people get sorted rong. I hope I do not get sorted rong. I do not want to disipoint Mother and Father. I hope Sirius is alrite. Mother and Father forbad me to rite to him.

 

* * *

**5 December 1971**  
Mother and Father had an owl from Sirius today. Its the first one in ages. I red the letter wen Mother wasnt looking. She and Father are very cross so I am hiding in my room. Sirius sed he is not coming home for crismas hols. He sed Griffendore is not as bad as evry one says. He sed he has frends that are relly nice and he likes it. He sed he dusent like Slitherens eny more. I dont under stand why he wood say that. Slitheren is sposed to be the best house. Griffendores are sposed to be horrid and stuck up. Sirius has not riten to me at all in ages. He is probly cross with me becose I have not riten back to him. Its not my falt. Mother and Father wont let me. I miss him. I hope he comes home soon.


	2. 1973

**1 September 1973**  
I am at Hogwarts and I am in ~~Slith~~ SLYTHERIN! It was wierd. The hat said it wanted to put me in Gryffindor with Sirius. Mother and Father would be so dissipointed if both of us were there. I just said Slytherin please to the hat and it said alright if your sure. I was so releaved. I sort of wanted to sit with Sirius on the train but he was sitting with his frends. They are all Gryffindors. Mother and Father said I am not to consort with Gryffindors and other blood trayters. They still call Sirius a discrase for being in Gryffindor and liking it and having Mudblood frends. I hope I will have frends soon. I know some of the Slytherins but no one in my year yet. I hope they are nice.

* * *

**4 October 1973**  
I miss Sirius. Before he came to Hogwarts we were best frends. Mother and Father say that the Gryffindors have turned him agenst our family. They say he is a blood trayter and a Mudblood lover. I see him almost every day but he almost never talks to me and I know I am not sposed to talk to him. Does being a Gryffindor really make him bad? My frend Helly says some Gryffindors are alright but most Slytherins hate them and say they are all bigheaded and up themselves. Severus Snape is horrid to me just becose my brother is in Gryffindor and they dont get on. He is a third year like Sirius but in Slytherin.


	3. 1976

 

**11 July 1976  
** Sirius is gone. ~~He left because~~ ~~I don't know why~~ ~~I found out he likes~~ He is a queer. I hate even writing it down. It feels dirty and wrong. Kreacher caught him tossing off over a picture of one of his friends and told Mother and Father. I have never seen Mother so angry about anything. I thought Father would strap him for sure but he was calm about it. He told Mother not to make a scene. He and Sirius went off somewhere to talk I think but when they came back Sirius was fuming. He shouted at Father and called him disgusting and an old pervert. I don't under stand how he can say that when he's the one who is a queer. He did not act ashamed at all. I would be if it was me. Its not natural. He'll be a scandal just like ~~Uncle~~ Mother's brother Alphard. He said he won't stay in the same house with Mother and Father anymore. Father told him not to come back until he is prepared to do his duty. It was awful. I was sick after he left and have not eaten anything all evening. Sirius didn't even say goodbye.

 

* * *

**12 July 1976**  
Father is taking things very hard. Mother is just angry. She says Sirius can consort with his own kind in the gutters for all she cares. She seems angry with Father too but I don't understand why. I don't see how Sirius being a queer can be Father's fault. He's a good Pureblood man. I am their only son now. Unless Sirius agrees to stop being a queer and comes home I am the heir and must set a good example as a proper Pureblood man. I have always tried to but now I feel like I have to be extra good to make up for Sirius. I will not let them down like he did. I will do my best to make them proud to have me for a son.

 

* * *

  


**27 September 1976**  
Snape stole my diary and read it. He says diaries are for girls. He has been even nastier than usual since he split up with his girlfriend. He said he was going to use a permanent Sticking charm to paste up the pages all over the school for everyone to read. I was frantic. Helly thought it was because I didn't want people reading my private thoughts. I couldn't tell her the real reason but she'll know soon. Everyone will. She went to Slughorn and he made Snape give it back but it was too late. He had already read the part about Sirius. He knows now. He asked me which of Sirius's friends he was tossing off over (if it was Potter) but I wouldn't tell him. I was supposed to keep this quiet. No one outside the family was supposed to know. I should never have written about it. Snape will spread it all over the school. By tomorrow everyone will know what Sirius is and they will tell their families. We'll be the talk of Wizarding Britain and it will be all my fault. Mother and Father will be livid. I've made a mess of things. They will never be proud of me now.

 

* * *

  


**29 September 1976**  
_[On a page stained with tears:]_ Everyone knows. They all think its disgusting or hilarious or both. They don't just think it about Sirius either. People keep asking if he ever did things to me when we were younger. I keep telling them he never did but I don't think they believe me. Helly told some people off for laughing about it. She is being really good about everything. She doesn't think its funny. She doesn't think its disgusting either. She says one of her older cousins is a girl who sometimes has girlfriends and sometimes has boyfriends. The family keeps quiet about her, but Helly likes her. Helly thinks maybe people can't help who they fancy. Maybe she is right. I can't imagine anyone choosing to be queer if this is how people treat them. Sirius knows its my fault everyone knows. I saw him today between classes. He didn't say anything but from the way he looked at me I know he hates me. No owl from Mother and Father yet but probably by tomorrow. I wish I could go back and make the last two days unhappen or make everyone forget. Why can't I do anything right?


	4. 1977

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: Rape

 

**6 March 1977**  
This morning I was on my way up to breakfast and Snape pulled me into the Potions classroom. He was really angry. He said Sirius and his friends tried to kill him. I don't know what he was talking about, and he wouldn't say. I told him it's nothing to do with me. Sirius and I don't even speak anymore. He says if he can't make Sirius pay for what he did, maybe he'll make me pay instead.

 

* * *

**10 March 1977**  
Snape has been watching me. It seems like every time I look up, he's there. He knows I've seen him doing it, but he never says anything. Sometimes he smiles at me. Helly says I should ignore him, but it's hard not to notice when someone is watching you all the time.

 

* * *

  


**12 March 1977  
** ~~I never meant~~ ~~I'm not~~ ~~I can't be~~ Snape caught me coming back from Quidditch practice today. He dragged me into the Potions classroom again. I had my wand this time but he said he didn't want to fight. He said he was sorry about last week. He knows the things Sirius does aren't my fault. He just forgets himself sometimes because I look a bit like Sirius. Then he asked if Helly is my girlfriend. I told him we are just good friends. He said I was a nice-looking bloke and why don't I have a girlfriend? He came right up close and put his hand on my arm and asked if I'm like Sirius in other ways too. I told him I'm not queer but he just smiled and kept touching me. I don't know why I didn't push him away. I was scared. I didn't know he liked boys. I didn't know he liked me. He put his hands all over me and kissed me on the neck and asked if I was sure I wasn't queer. I asked him to stop but he put a hand between my legs and laughed because I got hard. ~~I didn't want him to~~ He kept rubbing me there and kissing my neck and it felt good even though I was scared. Then he got on his knees and pulled down my pants and put his mouth on my staff. I thought I was going to die. I finished in his mouth. Before I knew what was happening he pushed me down over a desk and got behind me and stuck his staff inside my arse. I told him I didn't want to but he said it was too late to say no since I'd already had my turn. It wouldn't be fair. It hurt a lot even though he used some slippery potion. It still hurts. He says I'll learn to like it more the more he does it. He says I belong to him now. He says he really likes me and we'll do it again soon. I was sick after, when he let me go back to my room to clean up. I took a bath but I couldn't face going to supper so I went straight to bed. I wish Helly was here. I can't stop shaking. I still can't believe it happened.

 

* * *

  


**15 March 1977**  
I don't know what to do. Since Sev and I were together, I can't stop thinking about him. I still don't know whether I liked it or not. It was scary and it hurt, but I got off on it, too. Does that make me queer? I don't want to be. I don't want to like him. He caught me in the library today, between the shelves, and made me put his staff in my mouth. It felt strange and tasted nasty, but after, he put his hand in my pants and finished me off. That wouldn't have worked if I didn't like it, would it? I like girls. That should mean I'm not queer, shouldn't it? I want to marry a girl and have children with her and make Mother and Father proud of me at last. If they find out I let another boy do things to me, it will kill them. If both their sons are queer, who will carry on the family name? I have a duty to give them an heir. Maybe they will let me marry Helly. The Fawleys are an old pure-blood family. Mother and Father should be pleased. They don't ever have to know about Sev. I haven't even told Helly yet. I wish I could, but I don't know what to say. She doesn't like Sev. I wish I could talk to Sirius. He knows all about queer things.

 

* * *

  


**19 March 1977**  
I told Helly. She made me. She's known something was off with me for days. She's not pleased. She says she doesn't mind if I'm queer, but she doesn't trust Sev. She thinks he could be using me as a way to get to Sirius. I told her that's ridiculous because Sirius hates me. He hasn't spoken to me since Sev told the school about him. Why should he care what I do? I told her I think Sev really likes me. She says she just doesn't want me to get hurt. I love Helly, even if she's wrong about Sev. I know she's just looking out for me. She's the best friend I could ask for. I made her promise not to tell anyone. I talked to her about us maybe getting married someday, too. She says she'll think about it.

 

* * *

  


**26 March 1977**  
Lupin knows. Sirius's Mudblood friend. I don't know how he found out. He said if Sev is hurting me, I should tell someone. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. Anyway, Sev doesn't hurt me much. Just sometimes when he's angry and he can't help it, or when he wants to put his staff in me. I haven't got used to that yet, but I'm trying. Lupin said if I was in trouble, he and Sirius would help me. He said Sirius doesn't hate me. I don't believe him. Mudbloods lie all the time. He was probably just trying to trick me into confessing about Sev. I asked him if he's been gossiping about me with Sirius, and he said he hasn't told him. I asked him why he would even care, and he said he cares because I'm Sirius's brother and he wants Sirius to be happy. He said he wished we would sort things out. I asked him if he is queer for my brother, and he said yes. I knew it. He's the one whose picture Sirius was tossing off over last summer. I told him not everyone in the world is queer, there's nothing going on between me and Sev, and he should keep his filthy thoughts to himself. I hope he won't say anything to Sirius. I don't want to cause a fuss or get Sev into trouble, just because he likes me. I don't want him angry with me.

 

* * *

  


**13 August 1977**  
Sev came to the house today! I was so glad to see him. We barely got to do anything. I was so afraid that Mother or Father or Kreacher would catch us at it, but Sev wanted to celebrate, so I sucked him off quickly in my room. He's joined a Certain Organisation, just like we talked about. He showed me his Mark. It was incredible. He's so brave. I love him so much. When I told Mother and Father that Sev joined up, they were impressed. Mother says she's pleased to see that I am spending my time with right-thinking people. She and Father didn't say it, but they would probably be proud if I joined up, too. Sev says they won't take anyone who isn't at least sixteen and done with their OWLs yet, but as soon as I am, wild hippogriffs won't be able to stop me! Imagine me and Sev changing the world, side by side. I think it's exciting and romantic, but of course I didn't tell him that. He always laughs at me when I say soppy things.


	5. 1978

 

**21 March 1978**  
I decided to tell Father. Not about Sev, but about being queer. I remember when he first found out about Sirius, he didn't mind it like Mother did. We sat in his study and talked, man to man. It went really well. He even got out his good plum brandy. Father says it's natural for men to have urges sometimes that can't be satisfied by women, but real men never let their baser urges supersede their sense of duty. I told him I understood that. Father says that, so long as I keep things quiet and do my duty to the family, what I do in private is no one's business but my own. I asked him about marrying Helly, since she finally agreed to the idea. Father says he and Mother will consider the match, and discuss it with her parents, but he doesn't see why it should be a problem. If all goes well, Helly and I will be married the summer after we finish school. I don't understand why Sirius made such a fuss about everything when Father is so reasonable about queerness. He could have had everything. Instead, all he has is a guest bed at the Potters' and a Mudblood boyfriend.

 

* * *

  


**15 May 1978**  
Sev will be leaving Hogwarts soon. It's hard to imagine what it will be like here with him gone. I'll miss him so much. At least we'll still see one another at hols. I've asked him to visit during Hogsmeade weekends, too, and he says he will think about it. Sometimes he seems very cool about us, like he doesn't really care, but I know he does. Sometimes, when we are doing things together, he is so overcome by passion that he loses control and leaves bruises, or draws blood. Part of me sometimes wonders if he likes hurting me. He hit me last week, but that was only because I made him angry, and he mixed a balm to clear up my black eye and heal my lip before anyone could see it. He's always good about things like that. And sometimes he can be so lovely to me that I feel like the luckiest bloke on earth. We don't have time for much at the moment, though. OWLs and NEWTs are only a few weeks off. Sirius will be gone soon, too. I don't know where he's going. Mother's brother Alphard left him some money when he passed away last summer. I wonder if I will ever even see Sirius again after school finishes?

 

* * *

  


**22 June 1978**  
I've done it. I've joined the Cause. The ceremony felt like a dream. I thought there would be more people, but it was only My Lord, a few of his people (who were all wearing masks so I couldn't tell who they were), a couple of other new recruits, and Sev, who stood as my sponsor. Sev told me after that the fewer people who know who is in the Organisation, the better. I said my oath of loyalty and drank the potion, and then My Lord put the Mark on my arm. It hurt like fire, but I tried not to make a sound. I wanted Sev to be proud of me. Then My Lord spoke about the great work we have to do, building a world that properly honours those who are blessed with magic, and honours magic itself. I can't describe what it feels like to be part of something so important. It's so much bigger than me or Sev or any of us, but we're going to be the ones building that better world. I really feel like my life is starting. After the ceremony, Sev took me to an inn, and we spent the whole night together. He told me he was proud of me. Mother and Father are proud, too. They said I was the best son any parents could wish for. I only wish Helly could have been there. She didn't want me to join yet. She thinks I'm rushing into it because I want to impress Sev. She thinks I should wait until I've finished school to see how I feel about it, but I just couldn't wait any longer. I hope she's not too cross. I'll tell her before our betrothal ceremony next month.

 

* * *

  


**19 August 1978**  
I still can't believe it. Lupin was a werewolf all this time. It's a scandal. But the trial will be a bigger one, if word gets out. Mother and Father didn't have any choice, though, once they found out. Their heir was corrupted by a Dark creature. Of course they filed charges. Lupin didn't say much during the trial, just sat in the cage with his head down. The judge asked Sirius a lot of personal questions. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. He finally got fed up and told them that it's no one's business what they do in private. Mother shrieked, and Father said that Lupin had perverted one of the purest wizarding bloodlines left in Britain, and should be put down, or at least sent to Azkaban. Sirius stood up and said in front of everyone that he loves Lupin. He said if his blood was the problem, they could have it, he didn't want it. Then he took out a knife and cut his arm. Everything was sort of chaotic after that. Sirius renounced his name and his bloodrights. The corruption charges were withdrawn, since Sirius was legally no longer a pure-blood, and Lupin was declared not guilty. I couldn't believe Sirius gave up his birthright for a Mudblood and a werewolf. But he loves him. I think he would do anything for Lupin. I don't know if Sev would do the same for me.


	6. 1979

**5 January 1979**  
Father is dead. It was very sudden. I found him in his study two days ago, sitting at his desk. His eyes were wide open and staring. I thought at first that it might have been an Unforgivable Curse, but Mother and the healers say it was probably a heart attack. I know I should feel sad, but I don't feel much of anything. Does that make me a bad son? He was a good man and a good father. He never minded about me being queer. I was even thinking of telling him about Sev. Now I'll never be able to. The funeral is tomorrow. I wonder if Sirius will come? Probably not. Helly will be there, at least. Maybe Sev will even come. I haven't seen him since before Christmas.

 

* * *

  


**21 June 1979**  
I went out with some of the younger members of the Organisation tonight to celebrate my one year anniversary. We crashed a Muggle pub just for a lark I thought, but then Rxxxxx killed the barkeep right in front of everyone. The next minute Unforgivable Curses were flying everywhere and the others were all **laughing**. I know Muggles aren't really people, but I've never killed anything bigger than a doxy before. I don't think I could. And they were doing it for fun. Changing the world so those with the purest blood are rightfully in charge is one thing. This was something else. I didn't know what to do, so I Apparated away. I still feel sick. I don't know. Maybe I just had too much to drink.

 

* * *

  


**26 June 1979**  
I feel like I haven't slept in days. I can't stop thinking about the scene at the pub. Every time I close my eyes, I see it again. The screaming. The laughter. Dead Muggles everywhere. Part of me wonders if being a Muggle is sort of like being queer. They can't help it and they didn't choose it, so why do we blame and punish them for it? Maybe there are good reasons for exterminating the Muggles. There are so many of them that if they ever found out about us and wanted to get rid of us, like they did during the Mediaeval period, they could probably do it. Maybe getting their numbers down to manageable levels is important to our safety. I don't know. I went over to Sev's this afternoon to ask him about it, but he threw me out. He says we can't just talk about these things like they are open for debate. Someone might be listening and might question our loyalty. He told me if I'm smart I'll keep my head down and my mouth shut. Maybe it's just that I'm still new to the Cause. I have a lot to learn. Maybe someday I will understand. For now, I should probably figure out a good Sleeping potion.

 

* * *

  


**4 August 1979**  
I've decided not to return to Hogwarts for my final year. Father is dead. Sirius is gone. I am the man of the house, and I should be here to care for Mother, not leave Kreacher to do it. I had good marks in all my OWLs. I don't really need my NEWTs. I'll miss seeing Helly every day, but we can still owl one another and work out wedding plans over hols. And maybe this way I'll get to see a bit more of Sev. I've barely seen him this summer. He's been busy with Potions work for the Cause. Maybe I can help him with that. I've always been decent at Potions. Mother will be disappointed that I am not going back to school, but it's not up to her. I think she will be pleased to have me home, though.

 

* * *

  


**11 October 1979**  
He was here. My Lord came to the house. He said he had a task to perform and he required the use of a house-elf. I forgot myself and asked him why. Kreacher has always been a good elf. I just wanted to know he would be all right. My Lord told me not to ask questions. I told Kreacher that he must go with My Lord and obey his orders, then come straight home when he was done. That was yesterday. Kreacher still isn't back yet. I am worried about him. He has never been away from home this long before.

 

* * *

  


**12 October 1979**  
_[On a page stained with tears:]_ Kreacher returned in the night. He is very ill and weak. I am caring for him as best I can, but I don't know much about elfish medicine. He told me what My Lord made him do, and once I understood it, I was horrified. He used Kreacher and left him to die, like he was nothing. Kreacher is a loyal elf and a good friend, but My Lord doesn't care about that. From what Kreacher said, he only cares about one thing, and I think he would kill every one of us if it meant getting it. I don't know what to do. He never meant for Kreacher to return home. I'm not supposed to know any of this. If My Lord finds out, he'll kill me and Kreacher and anyone else he thinks I might have told his secret to. I have to think. I wish I knew where Sirius was. But even if I did, would he believe me? Would he help me? Or would I only be putting him in danger, too?

 

* * *

  


**16 October 1979**  
I finally understand. I was so caught up in making people proud of me that I forgot I should be looking out for the people who love me. I can't serve a master who doesn't care about me, who would kill the people I love without a second thought to get what he wants. My loyalty is to those who love me. My mother. Helly. Kreacher. Maybe even Sirius. Not Sev. I know that. There's too little time left to waste any more of it on lies. Sev used me, too. In spite of that, I have loved him, even when I wished I didn't. But now, at the end, I find myself overflowing with love. He is welcome to a share of it. I know what I must do. I may fail, but I have to try. Goodbye, Sirius. I've left a will, reinstating you as my heir. I think perhaps you had the right of it all along. Goodbye, Mother. You'll have the use of the house and the family account for as long as you live. I am sorry for leaving you alone. Goodbye, Helly. You were the best friend anyone could have wished for. I am ready to do what must be done to save you all. There is one more goodbye to say, but this last I will do in person. And then, tomorrow, there is work to be done.

 

* * *

  


To the Dark Lord,

I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match you will be mortal once more.

R.A.B.

 

* * *

**CANON POSTSCRIPT**

"... my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them ... that's him."

Sirius jabbed a finger at the very bottom of the tree, at the name "Regulus Black". A date of death (some fifteen years previously) followed by a date of birth.

"He was younger than me," said Sirius, "and a much better son, as I was constantly reminded."

"But he died," said Harry.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Stupid idiot ... he joined the Death Eaters."

"You're kidding!"

"Come on, Harry, haven't you seen enough of this house to tell what kind of wizards my family were?" said Sirius testily.

"Were -- were your parents Death Eaters as well?"

"No, no [....] But I bet my parents thought Regulus was a right little hero for joining up at first."

"Was he killed by an Auror?" Harry asked tentatively.

"Oh, no," said Sirius. "No, he was murdered by Voldemort. Or on Voldemort's orders, more likely; I doubt Regulus was ever important enough to be killed by Voldemort in person. From what I found out after he died, he got in so far, then panicked about what he was being asked to do and tried to back out. Well, you don't just hand in your resignation to Voldemort. It's a lifetime of service or death."

\-- _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ , Chapter Six

**Author's Note:**

> If you can bear it, consider checking out the companion fic from Snape's POV, [_Consolation Prize_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/930580).


End file.
